I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
