I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
