In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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