Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
