This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
