So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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