2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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