cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
