apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
