is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
