My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Randomize
