Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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