I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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