Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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