i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
