I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
