she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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