I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
