When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
