I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
tell me about the eggs
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
