i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
