I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
