I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
