I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
