My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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