I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
