i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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