why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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