i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
