I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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