my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
