Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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