if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
