I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
