I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
do herpes really smell.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
