1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it was like eating out sand paper
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What a dumb baby whore.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
