Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
