you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
