I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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