big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
