I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I look better un-naked...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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