That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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