i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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