Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
