wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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