Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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