I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
