Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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