Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He shit in the fireplace
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
