yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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