oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
