We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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