I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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