I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
